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At the Dawn of Man [Feb. 14th, 2012|11:57 pm]
[Current Location |In Bed]
[mood |creative]
[music |Heater Noise]

Ten FiresCollapse )
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The trouble with Love. [Feb. 14th, 2012|11:26 pm]
Rath: I don't believe that I will ever be loved by any man, no matter what I want. Circumstances and situations defined as real are real in their consequences. And my heart keeps making Real Love, and everything I've ever loved has been a Lie... with some precious few exceptions... I know the Love of my headmates is Real... and I feel that Alexis's Love is Real... But no one else... No matter what I've done... And it hasn't been worth it. It's been lonely and painful and such a terrible waste.

Kalok: I will never love So fully or deeply again. I will regret my decision forever. I deserve endless torment.

Daemeon: No one, aside from my Headmates will ever see me for who I am. And I am terrible at relationships... I keep messing them up. I am unlucky in Love.
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Pain Night [Feb. 13th, 2012|10:24 pm]
[Current Location |Cloud Nine]
[mood |determined]
[music |Hearts Beating]

Loki: So while I have been lost in a hell of my own devising, I have let my loves lose all faith in Love. For me, for what I was, what I am, This is a failing. But there is always time.

It is my job, My purpose to be a guardian of Lovers... and I live with some amazing Lovers.
Not just in the sack... But people whom, every one, can give of themselves almost tirelessly... and completely.

They are Amazing Lovers.
And It is my Duty to give them Back to themselves.
To take their Pains and give them Peace.
To bring back their Faith in Love.
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"What are you doi--...?" OR The sound of Ancient Curses Breaking [Feb. 13th, 2012|09:32 am]
[Current Location |On a Chair]
[mood |cheerfulcheerful]
[music |Heater Vent Noise and Cat chirrups]

Magic is,
And always has been to me
Like the sea,
Except that the sea were
A tapestry,
with weave,
and waving Flow.
Magic is Four Dimensional
Like Music, timeless,
With Tone and inflection
It washes over you,
and in you,
and out you,
And Through you,
And you can reach out
at the right place,
at the right time,
And make ripples that change the whole pattern.
You can reach into it,
and rip that fabric away,
to reveal beauty
Hidden beneath.
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Today [Jan. 28th, 2012|11:36 am]
[Current Location |In bed with a cat]
[mood |annoyedannoyed]
[music |FFI Earth cave battle music]

This morning I got up after some bad dreams that I only half remember.
A great many of my dreams lately have had that sticky filthy feeling tone of the impoverished despair that filled my life when I was a teenager... all a part of the lifestyle that my mother and step father chose in order to live hippie life style... In order to be outside of the norm. I wished many times that they didn't have to go so far out and away in order to do that.

But there I was, trapped 20+ miles from anywhere, and confined to a house that was falling apart, useless and depressed. In my dreams I have usually been the age I am now, except I am alone... still in that life, without my wife, who played a huge role in getting me out of there, and keeping me out of there.

This morning it was a terrible customer at the customer service desk at work that was the fuel for the self loathing... but it was that same feeling. I love working with some of the people that I work with. Others suck. But there are certainly some of them that are truly a pleasure to be around. The customers are just the same way. Some of the people who come up to me in a day are sweet and kind, others pass in less than a minute and walk away without even speaking, and others suck.

In my dream I couldn't do anything right for this guy. I kept trying and I was about to cry in frustration, because I couldn't do what I was supposed to be doing, or something like that. I don't remember if he was the source, being unreasonable as customers can sometimes be, or if I was suddenly and for no known reason incapable of performing my job. That is all I remember of the dream.

This feeling, of not being able to do anything right, pervaded my life while I lived with my mother and Spider. Spider harped harshly on every little thing I did wrong or failed to do, and never said a word when I did something right. My mother didn't do nearly as much harping on the bad, but didn't say anything about the good from the time I was about 13 onward. I think that's part of the reason I feel so hollow when I get congratulations from her... It seems so Fake.

After all, she almost has a PHD in Sociology...

But SHE didn't get a 4.0 in Her Undergrad... or take a hard science curriculum...

::bitterness and angst::
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Hormones [Jan. 27th, 2012|12:31 pm]
[Current Location |Home]
[mood |coldcold]
[music |Washing machine Filling]

I think I am going to boycott hormones.
I have had the worst fucking PMS EVER this week... I am more stable this morning than I have been for a little while.

I had a fight with Alexis.
If you could call it that.
I had a huge mood drop when everyone left after my modular game.
I was picking up on Alexis feeling like she could have spent her time better... Her frustration with my style of GMing and irritation with Steve taking forever, and stalling my game when we were on the verge of a fucking battle fit to delay it until next time... The fact that her choice to separate from the rest of the group lead her to not be with the group when they freed the Mage's Academy from magical thrall... and a dissatisfaction, in general with Me, not telling the story in the way that she would have.

I have felt for a very long time that it is grating for her to sit, as a player through one of my games, and I apparently have a very large ego investment in what she thinks about my games... And I told her that I thought I was a terrible GM, and that I was going to quit completely after people lost interest in the modular game... which I feel is sort of inevitable. I told her that I was horrible at balancing the game, and getting people to do what they need to do, and any number of other things that are vital to the process of running a game. She told me that I needed practice, and that I was GMing for a very hard group, and that I would get better. She was trying to be encouraging...

But that wasn't what I got out of it at the time. Hell flew over me. I felt completely like quitting, and I was mad at her because she's so Great at it, and I felt very condescended to. I felt like I could never hope to give her a quality gaming experience, and had yet to even come close, and that she also had no interest in comforting me because I had wasted her time, and she was Angry about it.

So I decided that I would get the hell up, put on my uniform, and drive to work to sleep in the parking lot. At least that way I wouldn't have to take up the bed. I was super mad, irrational... and above all things, should not have been behind the wheel of a car. I didn't get that far, of course.

She stopped me, and we had a discussion, and I told her that I felt that she thought very little of me, because she would not be honest with me about how she felt about the game. I scared her very badly, because of some bad childhood drama associated with her Mom threatening to leave and never come back. We both did some crying, and calming down.

It wasn't an argument... but there were heated emotions flying around, and I got about 3 hours of sleep as a result. It was a Fail day, all over itself.

I was suicidal for the vast majority of my shift the next morning, and recovered just before time to go home... Yesterday was better.

This morning, she surprised me with a souffle in bed. Just so that everyone knows, if you wave bacon under someone's nose, no matter how dead asleep they are, they will wake up. Might not work for people in Comas... But who knows whether or not anyone has ever tried?

I still don't know if I am going to keep GMing... I can't seem to get the right people together, hold their interest, or motivate them to do what needs doing without taking them by the hand.

In all this, she also told me that she thinks she is addicted to video games. I am not so sure. If she is, then the addiction is mild. I have observed before that if she wants to make a go at the writing business idea, that she will have to focus on that a lot more than she has been. I've told her this. I've seen how willing she is to change her decompression time, and her down time from her games... I've given her my word that I would work to make her writing business successful, if she would at least match my time and effort with her own in a month's time... but that didn't happen.

She says that she thinks she is going to have to manage her time better, and that she was angry that she felt like she could have spent her time better. She probably could have. The scene leading up to the fight didn't at all go like I wanted... I honestly didn't have a plan beyond bringing things to a close in a public setting with lots of innocent bystanders. Steve drew things out for almost an hour on some little self appointed side quest wherein nothing was accomplished Whatsoever.

Afterward... In bed, Alexis observed that we were opposites... I was a very experienced player character, and she was a very experienced GM... and neither of us were really very good in the other role. Alexis is playing a High Charisma character, but isn't trying to lead like she should be, and I am trying to let my players feel like they are writing their own stories, and have full freedom to do and be what they want. (and somehow also get the plot to go forward) I don't plan things in advance, I just have a loose idea of the situation, and I drop them in there... And see what they do... It's just that getting them to do anything without a leader is really difficult. And that's what Draven the Corrupter is there for, to tell them to do things they don't want to do, all set up so that they can hate him with impunity, but fear him enough that they do it anyway.

But I would rather that they were their own motivating force... I would rather that they made decisions, and good finds, and I would prefer that they got the experience, as players, of figuring things out, putting the pieces together and unraveling mysteries.

I've been thinking a great deal about Seattle...
And right now I am afraid again. I am afraid of the worst case scenario, where Alexis goes up there, gets a good job, gets settled in, and gets Chris up there with her... and then I get neglected for a few months before I decide that it's time to leave...

And then I have to use whatever money I have saved up in those few months to buy a bus ticket($250.00) back to Lexington, so I can couch surf long enough to get my job back at Kroger, and get my own place. I am certain I would have to start all over, from scratch.

Because by this time Ryan isn't going to want anything to do with me, because I've left him to move across the country, Like the Faithless bitch I am. I'm going to have No money, No car, no savings and No apartment even... It's going to be really fucking terrible.

But I have risen through really fucking terrible before and survived. I have walked away from those I loved deeply, and lived to tell the tale. I am steeling myself... Because I may have to walk this path. And I think if I do have to walk it, that I am never going to set myself up to have to go down it again. I am burning all my bridges. I'm not going to fuck with long term relationships ever again, no matter how much I want one. I'd rather be alone than be neglected again.
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Unexpected. [Jan. 3rd, 2012|10:13 pm]
[Current Location |In the ergo chair in the living room]
[mood |patient]
[music |Heater Vent Noise and Cat chirrups]

So I talked with Ryan.
And He said that he would do something about it.
He said our conversation had depressed him.
And that he had been very nervous about the idea of Alexis and I Leaving.
And that he was very bad about communicating that.
He said he had been trying to give me space to do the school thing,
but to still be available.
But somewhere along the way of trying to do that, he went off to do his own thing, and didn't realize how withdrawn he had really been.
And he had thought about how he had been acting for the last few months, and he felt quite a bit bad about it.
And I asked him, all past things aside, where this left us. And he told me he wanted to be there for me. And he didn't want our relationship to end.
And it was more than I was expecting.

And I believe I will give him this chance.
Lets see where we are in Three Weeks.
Because if he doesn't move Mountains in that time, then I think maybe it's just more wheel spinning.
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The End [Jan. 3rd, 2012|11:38 am]
[Current Location |In the ergo chair in the living room]
[mood |determined]
[music |traffic]

So Last Night I had a Conversation with Ryan about our relationship. I asked him how he felt about it. He said it was fine.
I said I didn't think it was fine. I said that there was a great deal of interaction missing from it. I said I didn't think we had much of one at all.
He thought it was about sex. Yah, sex is a major missing component, but not the Only missing component. He doesn't seek to be affectionate to me, and I told him so. I told him I was more than capable of having a relationship that was not about sex. But there were other things. He didn't want to talk to me, or hold me or be around me.

I did get out of him that he didn't mind my presence. So in my efforts to touch him, and tell him that I care, and begin conversations, I have successfully not annoyed him.
He did say that he missed people when they were not around.
Not even me specifically. But that he did get lonely.
He said he didn't know. He said he was stressed at work, and that he was always withdrawn around the holidays. He said that he thought that perhaps something in his childhood made him withdraw.

I have been thinking about the conversation, and I have come to the conclusion that I should not continue to try to make a relationship with someone that does not care whether I live or Die. Someone who would be just as happy if I vanished off the face of the earth.

No. That's too harsh. He's not really that Empty. I am just angry because I have been here before. And I knew it would be this way when he withdrew the first time.

But He does ignore me. He does Neglect me. He does not care about my emotional well-being. And yet he will go through motions like going to my Graduation Dinner, and getting presents at Christmas. He will do confusing things like reach out to me when I have been gone for a week on a field trip out of state.

I think I will end our relationship if he does not agree that there is something more that he can do to contribute to it. If he is not willing to admit that there is something more that he is willing to do, that would not be forced, that he wants to do to try to keep this going, then it ends tonight.

Because I am going to tell him that he will never have a successful relationship with anyone if he withdraws from everyone the way he does me. I have been patient and kind and persistent. I deserve more than nothing.
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unknown quantity [Jan. 2nd, 2012|12:05 am]
[Current Location |In bed with a cat]
[mood |blahblah]
[music |Video game noise]

I am feeling much better after a bout of the Flu, which was Really no fun at all.
My intestines have sorted themselves out again, and my Sinuses are on their way to doing the same.
I have spent the last several days working diligently on my D&D characters, as many of them needed the leveling up, and many of them just needed some thought... and are now Bad Ass.
I get this perpetual feeling of running out of things to do, which I find quite disconcerting. I have worked on a theoretical Kroger Book, I have looked for pictures of my personalities, I have attempted to get my finances in order, Made a to do list, and I could go on.

But There is too much. I overwhelm easily right now, because though I feel better, I am trying to be good, and Not go out of the house, and contaminate other people. I am trying to sit back and relax. I have two more days that I can run errands and really get a feel for how much recovery I actually have done.

Pat has given me a Checking shift in order to punish me for my Illness. Thanks Bitch.
I have little else to say.
I am just kind of rambling.

I still can't tell if Ryan wants anything to do with me.
I am slightly confused by Alexis's new friend online, that she's spent a great deal of time talking with lately, without acknowledging my desire to be a part of the conversation.

I think Renee is probably paying me lip service, and doesn't really want to be friends with me.

I think it might be time for bed.
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To begin Again [Dec. 27th, 2011|10:53 am]
[Current Location |In a chair]
[mood |optimisticoptimistic]
[music |Humidifier Noise, with traffic background]

I don't know how many people still read this.
I am writing it more for me, anyhow.
I think I want to start exercising every day.
Only a little.
Some stretches... Some pull ups, sit ups, push ups.
I am going to try to keep the house clean, but we're a messy lot, and I would appreciate help on occasion.
I want to eat better, and perhaps a little less... God knows I need to take that fudge with me to work every day until it's gone at least.
I want to touch more often, and have more closeness, more affection in my life. Even if it doesn't lead to sex. That goes for Both of my partners.
I am not going to struggle with my problems so much. I think that perhaps struggling with them was part of what made them so awful during college.
Plan to see my others more often. I lose nothing by letting them drive.
So Onward, to a clean house, and exercise, and a shower.
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