||[Jan. 27th, 2012|12:31 pm]
|||||Washing machine Filling||]|
I think I am going to boycott hormones.
I have had the worst fucking PMS EVER this week... I am more stable this morning than I have been for a little while.
I had a fight with Alexis.
If you could call it that.
I had a huge mood drop when everyone left after my modular game.
I was picking up on Alexis feeling like she could have spent her time better... Her frustration with my style of GMing and irritation with Steve taking forever, and stalling my game when we were on the verge of a fucking battle fit to delay it until next time... The fact that her choice to separate from the rest of the group lead her to not be with the group when they freed the Mage's Academy from magical thrall... and a dissatisfaction, in general with Me, not telling the story in the way that she would have.
I have felt for a very long time that it is grating for her to sit, as a player through one of my games, and I apparently have a very large ego investment in what she thinks about my games... And I told her that I thought I was a terrible GM, and that I was going to quit completely after people lost interest in the modular game... which I feel is sort of inevitable. I told her that I was horrible at balancing the game, and getting people to do what they need to do, and any number of other things that are vital to the process of running a game. She told me that I needed practice, and that I was GMing for a very hard group, and that I would get better. She was trying to be encouraging...
But that wasn't what I got out of it at the time. Hell flew over me. I felt completely like quitting, and I was mad at her because she's so Great at it, and I felt very condescended to. I felt like I could never hope to give her a quality gaming experience, and had yet to even come close, and that she also had no interest in comforting me because I had wasted her time, and she was Angry about it.
So I decided that I would get the hell up, put on my uniform, and drive to work to sleep in the parking lot. At least that way I wouldn't have to take up the bed. I was super mad, irrational... and above all things, should not have been behind the wheel of a car. I didn't get that far, of course.
She stopped me, and we had a discussion, and I told her that I felt that she thought very little of me, because she would not be honest with me about how she felt about the game. I scared her very badly, because of some bad childhood drama associated with her Mom threatening to leave and never come back. We both did some crying, and calming down.
It wasn't an argument... but there were heated emotions flying around, and I got about 3 hours of sleep as a result. It was a Fail day, all over itself.
I was suicidal for the vast majority of my shift the next morning, and recovered just before time to go home... Yesterday was better.
This morning, she surprised me with a souffle in bed. Just so that everyone knows, if you wave bacon under someone's nose, no matter how dead asleep they are, they will wake up. Might not work for people in Comas... But who knows whether or not anyone has ever tried?
I still don't know if I am going to keep GMing... I can't seem to get the right people together, hold their interest, or motivate them to do what needs doing without taking them by the hand.
In all this, she also told me that she thinks she is addicted to video games. I am not so sure. If she is, then the addiction is mild. I have observed before that if she wants to make a go at the writing business idea, that she will have to focus on that a lot more than she has been. I've told her this. I've seen how willing she is to change her decompression time, and her down time from her games... I've given her my word that I would work to make her writing business successful, if she would at least match my time and effort with her own in a month's time... but that didn't happen.
She says that she thinks she is going to have to manage her time better, and that she was angry that she felt like she could have spent her time better. She probably could have. The scene leading up to the fight didn't at all go like I wanted... I honestly didn't have a plan beyond bringing things to a close in a public setting with lots of innocent bystanders. Steve drew things out for almost an hour on some little self appointed side quest wherein nothing was accomplished Whatsoever.
Afterward... In bed, Alexis observed that we were opposites... I was a very experienced player character, and she was a very experienced GM... and neither of us were really very good in the other role. Alexis is playing a High Charisma character, but isn't trying to lead like she should be, and I am trying to let my players feel like they are writing their own stories, and have full freedom to do and be what they want. (and somehow also get the plot to go forward) I don't plan things in advance, I just have a loose idea of the situation, and I drop them in there... And see what they do... It's just that getting them to do anything without a leader is really difficult. And that's what Draven the Corrupter is there for, to tell them to do things they don't want to do, all set up so that they can hate him with impunity, but fear him enough that they do it anyway.
But I would rather that they were their own motivating force... I would rather that they made decisions, and good finds, and I would prefer that they got the experience, as players, of figuring things out, putting the pieces together and unraveling mysteries.
I've been thinking a great deal about Seattle...
And right now I am afraid again. I am afraid of the worst case scenario, where Alexis goes up there, gets a good job, gets settled in, and gets Chris up there with her... and then I get neglected for a few months before I decide that it's time to leave...
And then I have to use whatever money I have saved up in those few months to buy a bus ticket($250.00) back to Lexington, so I can couch surf long enough to get my job back at Kroger, and get my own place. I am certain I would have to start all over, from scratch.
Because by this time Ryan isn't going to want anything to do with me, because I've left him to move across the country, Like the Faithless bitch I am. I'm going to have No money, No car, no savings and No apartment even... It's going to be really fucking terrible.
But I have risen through really fucking terrible before and survived. I have walked away from those I loved deeply, and lived to tell the tale. I am steeling myself... Because I may have to walk this path. And I think if I do have to walk it, that I am never going to set myself up to have to go down it again. I am burning all my bridges. I'm not going to fuck with long term relationships ever again, no matter how much I want one. I'd rather be alone than be neglected again.