| Botany Final |
[Dec. 10th, 2009|02:41 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | MSB 249 | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cynical | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Fan Noise | ] |
So to say that the Botany final was a scorcher would accurately represent the difficulty that I had doing this exam.
When I heard other people talking about how bad it kicked their asses, I was very worried.
When I heard the professor talking about how it was Really hard, I nearly swallowed my teeth.
My Physics instructor is a Demon, and I am very glad to be putting her class in my past. We had an in class exam on Wed. She neglected to inform us that she had posted the Post test for this unit and the Phsyics assessment, and that they were Due by Midnight Friday, (Whether that means tonight at 12:00a or tomorrow night, the world will never know) so rather than getting to do the things I had planned tonight, I have to go home and get out all my physics shit for the semester and try to answer these stupid little badly worded obscure as fuck questions. I took the Phsyics assessment and got 22 out of 30, which is 4 points better than I got the first time I took it, at the beginning of the semester, before I had ever had anything to do with physics. This also shows you how much I learned from this class this semester. If I am being used to generate statistics for some bitch, then I hope that reflects as poorly on her as I think it does. I at least have the wherewithall to wait untill I get home to submit the other Unit test. This one actually counts toward my grade, and I need all the points I can get... I don't know how badly I did on that exam yesterday.
At least I have the consolation of NOT having to take the same instructor again. I am sure it will be another instructor, with another flavor of crazy. But For the love of god, they can't be as bad as her.
My Chemistry Professor was wonderful, and I am very sad for him that he's not staying on with EKU. I can only hope that wherever he lands that they appreciate what a fine instructor he is.
The botany class was excellent, and I am so smug that I don't have to take that final.
The Tai Chi could have lasted a few more months. I'd have been happy to Keep doing that.
I don't know if I have the discipline to do it by myself. I don't think I learned it well enough. Maybe I can do some research on the Northern Peiking system and dig up a book or something to work with.
I am tempted to attend my Mandatory Chem Department Final and bubble in a smiley face on the answer card, and walk out.
This lady is copying my answers off of the practice final, just like she copies all my answers off of every worksheet that we've had for Chemistry.
I get the answers for all of that out of the same book that she has in her hand, and I can find them. I don't know why no one else can find them.
I have a hell of a time getting that shit, I work for Hours on it. And even if I sit there and go through the problem step by step, I can't convey to this woman how to do what I've done. I encourage her to go see the professor. She insists that I teach it better... But that's not possible. I guess it's a matter of reading comprehension. You give me a formula, and some Idea of where to apply that formula, and I can give you an answer. I am WICKED with formulas. Especially if I have them for an exam. You throw me in there cold, and I am Just as Lost as a Kitten on a cold and rainy night with wolves chasing me.
I wonder how this woman passes her tests if she can't use her own notes and the study material to get her own answers.
So now, I am waiting for my last class of the day to start, so I can figure out what I've done wrong on that practice final that she is poring over.
::head shakies:: I don't know why people assume that I am always right. That could be such a costly assumption. Yes, I make good grades consistently. But I am NOT always right. I Bust my ass to get and keep my grades up. There is nothing Handed to me, or easy about anything I've learned this semester.
Aggravates me that people assume that it's all just natural.
At least next semester there will be No Dr. Lin, and No A. Jones (aka Chihuahua Girl)and no lab that's being taught by a rather disinterested tenure professor that doesn't give a rat's ass.
No.
Next semester there will be Dendrology... and Ecology... and the COOL Chem lab with the titrations and explosions and other neat stuff like that.
I can't wait.
One hour to go until the class starts.
I got a call from my therapist today. She is very ill and will not be there for my appointment tomorrow. I don't know why I keep going. I am not feeling like I am getting anything out of it. I feel very removed from my original motivations for going in the first place. If I didn't have these Journals to remind me of Why I went, and what I was hoping to accomplish, I would never know. I've just been trying to swim rather than sink. I have been fantasizing about that day sometime in the future when school Ends, and I don't have to do this shit anymore. I'll get my little piece of paper that says I'm bright tallented and knowledgeable, and people can give me good jobs.
And then I never have to go back. I never have to slog across a half mile of freezing concrete at 8am to go to a Chemistry Lab where I am the only one paying any attention. I won't have to go in to my pissy little job and be disaproved of by my immediate superiors. I can do fulfilling manual labor in the name of forest conservation and wildlife stewardship, and I can come home and wash my dishes and clean my floors and make love, and sleep the contented sleep of the blissful.
I always just wanted to be happy. I resisted the hopelessly turbulent life of my parents tooth and nail. but it is so hard to see oneself outside the context of that framework. Hard to picture myself in any way other than just barely staying afloat.
I don't know what it is to be relaxed and comfortable because I never have been.
I have never been joyous and grounded and whole.
I keep hearing about these states, and presume that I should strive for them, because they are what I am not.
But I have this thing in my head that says I wouldn't know them if they sat on my face, and I wouldn't know what to do with them if I ever felt that way, and that I would undoubtedly only stay that way for a short time, and that I would mourn them forever if they passed on. |
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| Impending Doom |
[Dec. 7th, 2009|05:06 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Dishwasher Swishing | ] |
So I have to go back to work on the 19th... or 20th or something like that.
I will probably have been demoted as far as Pat can manage.
I will be a Checker forever.
Or, at least until I find a lovely job working out in the woods, driving a truck and making trails for a living.
Or maybe my dad will be right, and I won't have a job after this. I would be upset, but I think I could deal with it. That's an immense statement coming from me... I have not been unemployed since I was 19, when my grand parents were Ill. Almost ten years in the service of men.
And Gainful employment is the only way to get things like cabins in the woods and trips to Europe.
Well, the dishes are done, and my one valid procrastination method is exhausted. Thankfully, the food is almost ready, and I can avoid physics just a little longer while I eat. |
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| Break time. |
[Dec. 1st, 2009|03:06 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | School | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drained | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Fan noise | ] |
Well, I have worked solidly for almost three hours.
And I have run across one of those maddening Mastering Physics problems where they want you to derrive an equation in terms of a bunch of variables for which they have given no values, and for which they have not explained critical relationships, such as the relationship between weight force in terms of the length of a board and the distance between two other applied forces. As you can see, it's not exactly intuitive.
I have finished my Chemistry practice test, and I feel pretty good about the material.
I am Very Deeply Worried about the Physics Quiz tomorrow, and the damn Mastering Physics assignments that are due by Thursday Night, because they include a great quantity of stuff that has not yet even been mentioned in class.
I want a Cookie.
I am probably going to sit in my Chemistry class and do my Physics assignments, and I am Kicking myself for not having brought my laptop today. It is, however, not advisable to try to carry all that and my books on Tue and Thur.
I feel crazy today. Not bad crazy, but unsettled and poor around the edges.
I know it's the Birth Control pills fucking with my head, and a general Malaise that I have for school at this point. I really enjoyed my Thanksgiving break.
Not because I saw family or anything like that. (that was sort of like pulling off a band-aid a little at a time)
But because I spent most of it interacting in close quarters with the people that I love.
Incidentally, they are not Family. (that's just icky)
I have given my sister the opportunity to work off her debt. It will be Many Massages.
And I need them, clearly.
I am so impatient with myself. I feel like I should be doing better in my therapy than I am. I feel like I am dragging my feet, and not getting anything real accomplished. I know this whole healing process is not an overnight thing, and I know I just started in the summer, and it HAS lead me to do some pretty good things for myself... But I don't feel like I have changed much inside. I feel like I have been going through motions, and not ever really gathering sufficient will to make internal changes. Sometimes it takes all I have to admit things like this at all.
I feel disappointed with myself, and I feel like I am lazy. I say that I want to be a better person, and that I want to change and heal... but I am not willing to put forward enough effort to make the necessary changes.
How much should I realistically expect from myself? I can't get a good grasp of how much I should be capable of. I know that if I am willing to stress myself to the point that I can't breathe, I can work full time and have straight A's. But I'm not willing to do that anymore.
I keep thinking about the Shrine of my Ego that I visited once. I thought perhaps that my visualization was a deceptive denial of my egoism. As if I immagine myself to be this egoless and humble person when I really am not. I don't know anymore. That vision was a long time ago... and the older I get the more I fear that I haven't even gone into the shrine to sweep the floor since. |
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| Guilt and Fail |
[Nov. 13th, 2009|11:38 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | crappy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | none | ] |
So last night, some friends of mine and I tried to help another friend who is in a rather sticky situation.
I don't know this person as well as the other two did, but I tried to help anyway...
and I think I managed to piss everyone off.
I feel guilty because I feel like I pressed too hard.
And I feel guilty because maybe I overstepped my bounds.
I feel bad that I couldn't get through to the guy who needed the help at all.
One of my friends ended up having to console him by himself.
And that wasn't Cool or fair.
I have no Idea how to make it right with either of them.
I am sorry. |
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| Academic Leave and Facebook |
[Nov. 9th, 2009|11:01 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | School | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
So Kolan says that I have to get a Facebook account.
Because I won't be around at Kroger to see him.
I am taking a leave of absence from work.
Pat is going to shit Bricks.
And that part, at least, I find very amusing.
I had a wonderful time on Saturday. Many of my friends and I went to see Men Who Stare at Goats, with George Clooney.
It was hilarious.
We had Icecream at Maggie Moo's after, and it was delicious. Daemeon's favorite kind, Mint with Oreo and Raspberry.
With the difficulties that Alexis has been having with her Job stress situation, and all the time I spend studying and working, I feel like I have not been there for her as much as I could be. We talked about it, and I decided that it is time to stop being a stubborn ass, and start really doing what is best for the Both of us, as a couple.
She and Ryan are not as close as I am to either of them, so He's not able to be there for her and support her in the way that I can.
They need time.
(I'd been crushing on Ryan for a long time before we ever got the chance...)
I need to be home more, and to stress less, so I won't Worry Alexis so much.
Then maybe we can address some of the things that we've been neglecting in our relationship. |
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| Sympathetic Dieting |
[Oct. 26th, 2009|10:59 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | School | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Computer Fan Noise | ] |
Well, after the weigh in, I am disgruntled.
I have not lost so much as a hundreth of an ounce.
I weighed exactly the same amount yesterday that I did the day we started,
>_< Which is no fair, because I have been Very good, and counted calories like crazy.
Stupid retaining water.
That has to be it, I will re-weigh after the period is over.
I signed up for advising today.
I can start looking at classes tonight.
I have to remember to print out that Cares report.
See where I stand...
By the end of this semester I'll be at 73 hours.
I wish it was only 73 hours of my life devoted to this... rather than the YEARS it really has been.
All my life people have been telling me that I'm brilliant and that I need to do something with myself.
Is it selfish to just want to be happy, and be with the people I love?
Is it selfish to not want to devote myself to a career that might theoretically revolutionize biology,
or discover a cure for cancer, or save the rainforests or whathaveyou?
Is it selfish to just want to volunteer and have a small job where I'm not constantly mentally challenged or stressed?
Is it lazy?
Is it wrong?
Is it Impractical?
Is it Unrealistic?
Is it Complacent?
Am I shortchanging myself by building my life around the people I love when My definition of success has nothing to do with money or status??
I don't know. |
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| You LOST it??? |
[Oct. 14th, 2009|11:28 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | crappy | ] |
So I'm not sure exactly how you Loose 3000 dollars.
It seems like something you would try to take good care of.
I mean, that large a sum might make a difference to someone.
Seeing as All of my tuition expenses were taken care of by uncle sam
this time through, I was looking forward to having a chunk to put in savings.
But they Lost it.
They lost my scholarship money.
Correction... I just received a phone call.
they have the money but it's in a "holding pattern" because they might have to send some other money back as a result.
(not sure how that works, and Kinda irritating.)
But I can't get ahold of the people who supposedly have the money in question.
And I am presently facing largish doctor bills.
(I have to go get a Transvaginal ultrasound today, because I had that cyst burst back in January. A follow up type deal, I am fine, and I don't need a ultrasonic dildo smeared with freezing goo to tell me that.)
:::sighs:::
I am worried about my wife. She has been a little manic/depressive lately. And She's really having angziety about work.
She's really having a hard time dealing with seeing Kat, and the prospect of seeing her at Amanda's wedding. So much so that she wasn't going to go.
I really can't say anything, because I avoid going anywhere that I would have to be around Neelun. It wounds Rath to his core to be around him. And I hate to see Rath hurt by anything.
Kalok's been talkative lately. She's been talking a lot about Her husband, and the reprocussions of my decision to move away from my relationship with Renee. Her Relationship with Magus was probably the most decisive factor in holding off as long as I did. I know she Loves him. And I told her that she should go to be with him any time she wished. But she decided that it would be better to not give drama the chance to fuck with them anymore. She said that she chose to move away so she couldn't be used against him. It's been very hard for her. |
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| I need to write more |
[Oct. 5th, 2009|11:33 am] |
So my therapist got me talking about Rath,
After asking me about what got me through my time of living with spider,
after wondering aloud what helped me to see the world from a perspective Other than his.
That answer has always been them.
They got me through my worst times.
They were the ones who called me back from the ledge.
They were the ones who begged me not to end my own life.
They were the ones who cared when I needed caring, and no one else was interested.
So I told her how Rath is.
Nurturing, Kind, Gentle, relaxed ect.
So (though not in so many words) She told me to let him drive more often.
And I'm not talking about the car.
I'm talking about everybody seeing more of him.
Everybody finding more Rath in my eyes when they look in.
At least he is good at breathing and relaxing.
She says that I have a resource at hand at all times, and it is about time to start using it.
(But I hate putting it that way though)
I do not see my others as things to be used.
I could look at it that way, but I do not.
They are my sacred Loves.
They are my Friends, my co-conspirators, my spouses one and all.
I respect them as people, as equals, though they do not have bodies of their own,
and I don't want them to have to drive me around while I sag in the corner because I can't handle my life.
I've done that before.
But there is no reason to not ever let them help.
I don't have to do it all by myself... They ARE after all, a part of me,
And they have to share this tension riddled twitchy little form with me.
It would be good to let them all have more time forward.
Christ it's cold in here! |
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| What is working, What isn't |
[Sep. 21st, 2009|10:17 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | School | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The rush of fan forced air | ] |
The big experiment is working.
This big experiment is centered around Alexis and I including Ryan in our relationship.
We told him we were interested in that More than a year ago.
Before he ever moved in, even.
We both pronounced him cute, and amiable.
He was taken at the time... But He and Heather didn't work out.
I still can't tell if we had something to do with that or not... But I know he was feeling poor by the end of it.
and I cannot turn a blind eye to the suffering of others, whether they are mine to take care of or not.
So I included him in a friendly way, so he wouldn't be lonely.
But my desire never went away. I was as courteous as Kalok and Loki would let me be.
Kalok is generally opposed to wearing unneccesary clothes, and Loki is just a randy beast.
wonder of wonders... There was interest on his part as well.
And Alexis was a little unsure at first, but is right there with us now.
It's going swimmingly.
What is not working is my lack of time, and my lack of desire to do anything with school.
I am disillusioned with it painfully.
I've been thinking that I would like to be a housewife.
Then I would have time to be there for the people that I love, and I could keep a clean house, and not have to be stressed.
This lack of motivation could have come from my 77 that I got on my first physics exam.
That was so depressing. Like getting kicked in the chest.
I tried SO hard on that stuff. I'm sure I understood the material better than that.
I know a few of the things I did wrong because she made us go over the exams and do them again in class the day after.
I knew I had screwed up really badly because of copying something wrong off of my calculator.
That, and the stupid quiz that is weighted for 10 points a question.
Chemistry is hard, and I have a test next week on Thursday that I am not ready for. I have to start studying for that.
I think I will print out the worksheets again and do them over, and see if I can do them without the guide book.
The Botany instructor will probably have our quiz this week, and probably give our tests back tomorrow morning.
God I hope I at least did well on that one!
I think I have a very good grasp of all the concepts we were tested over.
I hate work right now.
I have been "unofficially demoted"
It's really just insulting. I don't mind having less responsability, for the same pay.
But the fact that Pat can't look me in the face and tell me that she doesn't want me in the office anymore sends me the message that I am not worth anything unless I am filling a shift for her. Tells me that the quality of my work is meaningless.
My therapy wasn't so theraputic last time.
I haven't been able to focus enough on making it work for me to get anything accomplished.
I'm either busy cuddling and falling in love, or angsting over school and work.
It makes it very difficult to get out of bed in the mornings.
God, I can't wait untill school is over. |
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| Hate |
[Sep. 19th, 2009|10:07 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | In a Chair | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | Miserable | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The humm of machines | ] |
I hate little ten question quizzes that are weighted with 100 points.
I hate when questions on those quizzes are deceptively worded so as to throw you off, rather than to actually test your understanding.
I hate even more when you aren't even allowed to look at the quiz after you take it, to see what you did wrong to try to understand it more.
I hate it when instructors hit you with a huge amount of formulas and complex trigonometry and expect you to know exactly what they are talking about when you've never seen it before.
I hate it when you are tested over material that you JUST received in lecture less than 48 hours prior to the exam.
I hate it when an instructor neglects to explain critical relationships and concepts that would make her goddamn formulas make some sense besides identifying variables.
I hate feeling guilty for wanting to Burn it all.
I hate it when I have to wait for WEEKS to get an exam grade back.
I hate feeling tired down to my bones
And I hate feeling both cruel to myself and everyone around me for continuing to push at this... and not giving up.
I hate that I cannot rest. I hate feeling guilty for wanting to rest.
I hate being alone,
I hate being frustrated and angry, and feeling like even now, in this empty house, it would be wrong to scream.
I hate trying to read Zen stuff while I am like this, while I am so stuck in NOT zen mode.
It just feels like god is rubbing it in my face that I will never feel that peace again.
I hate that I have decided that, and no one else told me that.
If someone else had told me that I could easily Vilify them and defiantly foist their ideas as false and overcome them.
I hate that my spirit guide just lead me to this great fucking cavern with a floating blue flame and just left me.
I hate that I can't be that person that I want to be.
And that it is my fault. |
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| Therapy |
[Sep. 9th, 2009|10:25 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | School | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | discontent | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The rush of Cool, Fan forced air | ] |
So I'm feeling very topsy-turvy right now.
I am tired, and feeling behind in school, and not caring as much as I should.
I don't know how people ever manage to do this shit for more than 4 years running.
I am burnt out after two.
Alexis is not feeling so hot lately.
I think a combination of hormones and work stress and lots of people all demanding her attention at once last night may have contributed to the tears before bed.
Rath touched her soul this morning and she seemed better.
I made cornbread that would have made my grandmother proud last night.
I won't get home until very late, and I have to stay up and finish Chemistry.
I have to start my Study guide, for BIO
and I've gotta start this new assignment for Physics.
I have felt very distracted and Like I have been digging my heels in a lot lately.
I am afraid of jumping back into the state that I have imagined that I could be in.
I have been more open and loving in some ways, But I run into a wall of EEEK! and bounce off.
God I don't want to go to work today.
I told my therapist that I couldn't tell whether I purposefully become what I think other people want me to be or not. I wonder if I am just paranoid.
I know I hate to hurt other people... And I imagine that I am a damaging person who does hurt others.
Not doing so good.
We are going out on a limb... |
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| Caution |
[Sep. 1st, 2009|12:46 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | EKU Library Computer Lab | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | That grinding noise that a working Computer makes | ] |
Today I don't have anything to say.
I am better than I have been in a long time.
But I am feeling Like being alone.
I have been listening to Rath Gush about his tripple gestalt character in Alexis's game.
It's so good to hear him so enthusiastic.
I have to get several people really good presents this year...
I have no Idea what to get some, But At least one I am sure about...
I don't think there is any way I can convey how helpful Ryan has been in my process recently.
I've been trying to get over that "I don't touch other people ever" thing.
And he's been willing and available to let me push my boundaries without it getting weird.
And I've been able to lay clear separations in my mind between touch as a welcome positive experience
and touch as something more sexual.
Not that I expect he would care how I thought of it...
But for my own distinctions, my own deprogramming purposes.
I've been falling in love with my wife again. I do that from time to time it seems...
Not that I have fallen out of love with her... Just there are some times and circumstances that make me feel it more.
I am having a Rare and Frightening experience... I think I am done with my Homework.
No one has assigned anything New yet...
I've checked all the various sights that my teachers use.
I don't know what to do....
I suppose I could read ahead in the Botany course.... God knows Rath would get a kick out of that.
Maybe He will actually get to play some.
Maybe I will get to cook dinner.
Maybe I will go outside and be a good little girl, and do some Tai Chi.
I still feel very tense. I am nervous because I've already done the homework for class today...
I am wondering if I can get by with finishing up the class work for physics tomorrow.
But I don't think that's a good idea.
Even if I can get onto Logger pro, I will have to Only do parts of the assignment, not having access to a motion detector.
I'm half tempted to find a comfy chair and take a nap.
I've Got 2 hrs and 30 mins...
I'm ahead in my work for once... |
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| ::Rip:: |
[Aug. 31st, 2009|11:19 am] |
So last night I was thinking very hard about the time in my life when I was the happiest with myself.
And thinking about what I did to get there in the first place.
And I know that one of the things I did was to decide to Pull out the Arrow.
If any of you are unaware, There is a little Asian proverb that goes something like this:
"if you come upon a man lying in the road who has been shot with an arrow,
you do not stop to see what wood the shaft is made from; you pull out the arrow."
Essentially cautioning against the tendency to over-analyze a situation.
And, also, pointing one in the direction of immediate healing, to allow yourself to feel better.
The thing I did was I stopped actively analyzing my problems, and rather than worrying about what was wrong with me all the time, I thought about what was right with me instead.
Obviously, I made a couple of mistakes in the process.
First, Self analysis is an invaluable tool. It should not be excluded from one's experience.
Second, When I fell out of that very good state of being I despaired, and felt that I would never again come to a place so good.
Third, I assumed that By "pulling out the arrow" I had taken a New-Age Crappity escape route, and given myself an excuse not to deal with my problems. I assumed that the problems that were there before I "pulled out the arrow" were still there, and in thinking so, I could have simply created that experience for myself whether it was actually true or not.
After all, as with Most of the problems I have ever had, Though others may have contributed in a tertiary manner to their origin, it is and has always been me who has exacerbated them. I have made them important, given them power and made them worse in the doing.
The idea of my best experience of myself as harmful to others made me reject it, because I could not reconcile my perceived injury of others with anything approaching spiritual existence. Good people don't hurt others ever, apparently. But that is a lie. It is an expectation that No human who interacts with other humans can possibly fulfill. Certainly, good people do not seek to harm others, and indeed may avoid it intentionally, But they count themselves among those whom they do not seek to hurt. And would not take an action that harms themselves in order to avoid the potential of perceived damage to another. That is too much to ask, and too much to control.
But I could not see that.
I could not see that I was hurting myself in my efforts not to hurt others.
I wanted to be good, to atone for what I thought I had done. And maybe I did what I did. Maybe it was hurtful to Leah. But I don't know this girl. She is my ex husband's issue. I accepted restrictions from people who thought differently from me, and I cut off my source. I thought of myself in ways that I felt that they would approve of, I changed myself to be more of what I thought they wanted me to be.
But I am not.
I am not.
I am me... And I am designed to be wild like a ribbon in the wind. Free, and flying and light. I have been tied in a bow, and I am wrinkled from the tension... but I am untying the knots. |
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| Really Do this |
[Aug. 30th, 2009|08:45 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | at home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | anxious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the humm of machines and buzzing of flies | ] |
If I was to create myself, without all the baggage, strip away the unpleasantness like a wet blanket, and be joyful again,
I would be relaxed.
I would breathe a lot.
I would be filled with that warmth and softness that I equate with happiness.
I know I wouldn't feel this way all the time...
But At least when I paused... when I took time to stop, and feel my life wash through me... this would come instead of unbidden thoughts of shit that happened in the past.
That underlying tension that is always there, that would be gone.
And so would the pain in my back and my neck and my jaw.
I wouldn't have to space out, or dissociate to get away from the stress, or the judgments of myself or others.
I would embrace everyone fearlessly.
I would forgive myself and my past and all the people in it.
I would Revel once again in my effulgent sexuality and have no shame.
Casual contact would just be casual contact, and there would be no tension-inducing ambiguity about it in my mind.
I would know who to hold dear, and who to move away from, because I would count my own thoughts, feelings and needs among those that I valued and respected.
I would be assertive.
I would not be ashamed to ask for help, or to ask to have my needs met.
I would obey the instincts of my body as to when to rest and when to push on.
I would fail sometimes, and be okay with that. I would not judge myself as a total failure based on a single incident.
I would not wither into guilt and despair if I upset someone I love, nor would I hesitate to let them know when they have upset me.
I would not treat people as though they were glass, or as though they might leave at the slightest indiscretion.
I would not Allow others to control me with their requirements.
I would not change who I am, or feel like I have to put part of myself in a box for anyone for any reason.
I would not live vicariously through my personalities, they would live as one with me and enjoy my life with me.
I would live without regrets, and see the path of my life up to this point as having been blessed in that I am now who I am, and all the trouble getting here as having only made me stronger and more aware.
I would not trust people who do not deserve it, but I WOULD trust people who DO.
I would not fear the judgments of the people that I care for.
I would have and pursue my dreams, and not feel guilty about them.
I would know how and when to let go, and when I should hold on.
I would let other people handle things, and not worry whether it was going to be done correctly.
I would not put myself in a place of responsibility for things that aren't my responsibility at all.
I would have or make time to relax.
I would laugh at myself.
I would have fun, and occasionally let my hair down in abandon.
I would flirt.
I would enjoy surprises again, and I would no longer feel like I was juggling spinning plates.
I would feel in control of myself and have no need to control the world or other people.
I would embrace ambiguity.
I would meditate, and learn about myself again spiritually.
I would not care so much about whether or not my efforts in college paid off, or whether I got a job.
I would not be afraid to have adventures.
I would not be afraid to be alone, and I would know that even if the worst did happen, that I would be able to deal with it, and move on.
I would not live in worst-case-scenario land. |
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| Prometheus |
[Aug. 29th, 2009|11:39 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | In a chair | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | artistic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | mouse clicks | ] |
I have run away.
I have stolen The burning brightness, in all it's rage.
And they will never catch me.
But I fear that they will want it back.
I fear that they will come to take it, and collect interest.
But not if they never catch me.
This thing I have stolen is Free.
It is free of the controls that they placed on it.
And I will give it to everyone.
And they cannot punish us all can they? |
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| First Week of School, and Therapy Part 2 |
[Aug. 28th, 2009|10:06 pm] |
So she told me then that she had always felt that education was something that could not be taken away...
But she doesn't live in my hell.
She doesn't live in fear of being so stressed that she can't remember things.
In a Book called "So you want to be a Wizard" there is a description of a dragon that was driving itself mad counting it's hoard. It counted compulsively, organizing and stacking everything... but by the time it had counted half of it's treasure, it forgot what had been counted and what had not... Or it lost count. or it accidentally skipped over something. And it couldn't get an accounting of everything.
And it was paranoid. It knew it was going crazy... And it could never find relief.
I live like this all the time. Except it is going on inside my head. My memories leak. Like Flight of the Navigator. I come up with what I think is some pretty insightful stuff... but if I am not writing it down the instant I think it, sometimes it's gone. Lost forever.
No matter how important it is.
They say that people can usually comfortably remember a string of seven things or so, before it gets difficult.
My short term recall is excellent, especially when coupled with visual data.
My long term memory is quite good, especially involving procedural things.
But I can never remember my insights. My realizations. My most profound thoughts. My self discoveries. The things that are the most precious to me feel like they are made of moonbeams and spider webs for all the strength and lasting power that they have.
They vanish as if they never were. No matter how important they have been.
On the up side, I think we actually did an okay job in Physics today.
maybe it won't be so bad.
I really had a rough week at school.
I started coming down with something my first day.
By WED it was awful.
Wednesday night at work was the worst. I got my period All of a sudden that day, nearly ruined everything I was wearing.
Walking in the heat has been hard and horrible.
Parking is a bitch, but you all knew that. The Drive terrifies me, and I have to do it twice a day for the next three months.
Rath is in Love with my Botany Instructor. He's an actual Botany Major, from the days of yore, when they had such things.
Hopefully I can do this.
God, I want to not be crazy anymore.
I want to feel things and not HAVE to control everything and trust people.
I want to love my friends and enjoy the easy casual experience of being around people without feeling like I have to hold my breath or handle them with Kid gloves so I don't offend them or piss them off.
I wish I could just tell whether that was me or them, and thus whether or not they are actually friends.
I told Joyce about how I had been in a very forgiving, very high spiritual place before Neelun used me to cheat on Leah.
She said that I should try to get back to that.
I gave up on that years ago...
I decided I could never hope to get that high in my wellbeing ever again.
I don't even remember what it was specifically like, or what insights enabled me to stay in it for so long...
I don't remember... Anything except that it was great and I lost it. |
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| Therapy session, and the first week of school |
[Aug. 28th, 2009|09:42 pm] |
Today is Friday.
I got up today and went to see my Therapist.
I spent most of the session reading to her the myths that I have written here in this journal.
And crying about my absent sense of accomplishment.
I read myths to her, and then she pointed out some of the ones that were obvious fallacies.
I was aware that they were false... I want a way to Not think this way anymore...
These are things I think All the time...
She said that Awareness was the Key.
She just looked at me and told me flat out that I'm going to be at this a little while.
It's not going to fix over night.
She told me to honor my feelings.
So when I feel overwhelmed, I need to feel overwhelmed And not tell myself that I shouldn't feel that way, or think of myself as a cry-baby, or put myself down for not coping better.
She told me that We have many emotions. And that this is natural. Then, we sometimes have thoughts about those emotions, judgements that we make about our own feelings... guilt, shame, fear, ect.
And I do this with Everything.
EVERYTHING.
And it's not just One of those. I feel guilt and shame and fear all the time.
For everything I feel. When I feel Love, I feel like I am going to hurt people. When I feel Accomplishment, Even a tiny bit, I beat it to a bloody seeping hemorraging mass in thinking that I am arrogant, prideful.
When I try to be a good person, that is arrogant and prideful. There is NOTHING I can do or feel or be that is Not.
So it just saves suffering to feel nothing. to express nothing.
And she wants me to stop doing that.
And that terrifies me.
We talked about me getting a 4.0 GPA over the last two years.
I told her that and she was like "wow! that's wonderful!"
And I told her that I did not feel positive about it.
I felt a little bit of "yay it's over" in the sense that I've gotten through 2 years of it.
And I felt more like it has been the hardest most stressful thing I have ever done, and that I've only made myself a thousand times more stressed and neurotic by putting myself through it.
And I did all that extra stressing for nothing. I put in the extra effort to get those high grades and it's not going to make a damn bit of difference to anyone. No employer is going to take it into consideration, No one is going to care. In the end, it doesn't matter at all. |
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| More Myths, and the first day |
[Aug. 24th, 2009|09:24 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | In a chair | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | blank | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Crickets | ] |
So today I got up terribly early, and drove to Richmond.
I was an hour early for my first class... and it was cool and pleasant outside.
except for being plagued with unusually awful allergies the morning class went very well.
The Physics class will be much more difficult.
My teacher is a thin, rather burnt out looking Chinese lady.
I am already overwhelmed.
Or maybe I am just tired.
I thought in the car on the way home from work that there is some part of me that really deeply resents that I was badly taken care of... and that no one has ever taken care of me.
Not that I let people do that.
Not that I make that easy on Anyone, no matter what their intent or lack thereof.
I was supposed to sit down and write some challenges...
But I am more in the mood for myths.
I have done something horrible to my relationship with Alexis...
I withdrew from her sexually.
I felt like I had to put myself in a box to keep from hurting her...
I have done her, and myself a terrible injustice.
I just didn't want to ask anything of her that she did not want to give.
My mistake was in assuming her lack of sex drive meant that she did not want to give it.
I didn't want to be demanding, or to make her feel less by being who I am, doing what I do.
My mistake was in assuming that I would make her feel less.
My mistake was in assuming that it is automatically demanding of other people to have needs of my own. God that is so hard to even type.
SO full of bitterness and Shame that I should have needs.
So I assumed that I would hurt her if I came at her passionately,
or if I came onto her whenever I felt like it...
And I began to feel guilty for needing anything at all.
All Me.
All fucked up little me.
And to make matters worse, she feels guilty for not meeting needs she knows I have more often. But it's so not her fault.
I did this. I broke this.
I thought to myself today at work that It may be necessary to make some sacrifices in order to heal myself.
It occurs to me that I may have to stop entertaining some of my comfort-junkie habits.
Like eating whatever is in front of me.
Or like daydreaming.
Or like talking to people who are not good for me to be around. Like getting my emotional needs met by people who I think are safe, so I won't be demanding of Alexis.
Or complaining as a means of identifying with others.
I've realized that the driving on the interstate thing is a control issue. I can't control the car as well as I can driving at a higher speed. even the smallest movements cause changes in course.
God... I feel so empty. I feel like I could lean down into my own chest and scream, and there would be echoes.
Why do I keep shutting down? When did I start backing away? Was it always just Me?
Why do I keep doing this?
Why can't I stop?
Bizy Bacson |
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| Challenges |
[Aug. 20th, 2009|07:04 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | In the shower | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Refrigerator compressor noise | ] |
It was my choice to go to school, and to learn to drive. I chose (for once) the path of least resistance, in spite of how much it terrified me. Other people did influence this decision, and I got more than a little pressure from some people, but I have learned a lot of things, and not all of them have been bad.
I think that I am not the best driver, but in general, I have been very cautious, and very courteous. I almost always signal, I drive no more than 5 miles over the speed limit, and I try not to do stupid things, or take many risks.
I surround things with fear on purpose if I don't want to do them. Problem is that sometimes this purposeful emotional barricade can generalize to other things. This is because I mull over them and over them until i give these things great power.
I am not terrified of therapists, because unless I am a danger to myself or others, they cannot commit me against my will in the state of KY.
And I am not insane. I have problems, and I need help with them... These people are trained to try to do that.
I decided that I did not want to live the way my mother lives, from paycheck to paycheck... constantly hounded by the debt collection companies. So I made myself be afraid of debt. I went to great lengths to avoid taking any action that could possibly get me into debt... and that meant being afraid of driving, so I would not need a car, and being afraid of going to school, so I would not need student loans. Right now I have 10,000 dollars worth of debt, because I went to school ANYWAY, and because I co-signed on a loan for my stupid sister.
But it is manageable debt. I have quite a bit of money stored up in savings. I intend to pay the debt that is actually mine as soon as I get out of school out of this savings account. Until then, the extra that I am getting from scholarships can sit in the bank and make interest. And I have no trouble making payments on the Loan for my sister. (there is no excuse for her having had such a hard time of it.)
Being in debt is not so bad when I know that I can take care of it. If I was not with Alexis, I don't know for sure that I would be this cool about it. But I feel like she has a much better job than I do, and that she won't let me sink financially. And I have remained gainfully employed for quite some time. I don't have anything to worry about financially. (believe it or not, I live in a middle class household.) I don't feel like I can relax into that, or take it for granted... but it's probably not going to go up in smoke any time soon.
I refuse to quit my job because I cannot walk into a position that I can make 10.35 an hour with no training that will give me flexible hours to accommodate school, and I haven't been Looking for a job in my field yet because that's big and scary.
I have negative emotions, and I have every right to have them as a part of the natural human range of emotions. I am allowed to show these emotions, and I should not hide them from people who care about me. They are tough, and they will understand that life is not all roses. I do not have to swallow my negative emotions, or keep them off my face. It Is possible to have and express negative emotions without harming other people. Spider was just a very bad example of how to express negative emotions. I don't have to be afraid of him anymore. He is a 40-something alcoholic musician who Never made it, lives off disability and refuses to get help. I have nothing to fear from him, and his judgments of me are irrelevant. Even though he knows how to twist the knife like no other, there was no advantage to or excuse for the way he treated me. He was a sadistic person, who tried to lift himself up by putting me down, and it never worked. Much of the repression I feel is a reaction to my fear of his tirades and the emotional abuse that I suffered at his hands, but I do not live in these conditions now. Now, no one can talk to me this way. Now I get to be the one to scream if I am disrespected. Or I can rise above his example and choose to walk away, calm down, and let my anger move through me, rather than using it to hurt people. Anger is a natural emotion. It is the soul's way of saying "No, thank you." My experiences have taught me that words can hurt. But I do not have to use them in such a way as to cause pain to others. Being thoughtful is Good. But Repressing what I feel is Not. People who care about you do not disown you. Only people who have an ego investment in your Pain do that sort of thing.
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| More myths |
[Aug. 19th, 2009|12:28 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | thoughtful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | A LOUD Cricket-bug | ] |
My sense of smell doesn't work quite right. Some things I can smell just fine... some things I can smell too well. My nose can get overpowered by too much smell. Some things I cannot smell at all. Like Roses.
I can smell some things that other people can't. Like humidity and rain.
Some Rules should not have exceptions.
If I pay too much attention to one person and not to another I will make one of them jealous.
I don't know what that magic threshold IS though, so I am constantly paranoid.
I almost always end up not paying enough attention to either one.
I must entertain my companions, whether they are my wife or my friends or my mother, I am obligated to be polite, courteous, to anticipate needs thoughtfully.
It is my responsibility to contribute financially to the raising of my nephew.
It will be my responsibility to care for my mother in her later years. Not that I haven't cared for her enough. Not like I haven't paid for her enough.
I should help my mother, the fact that I do not makes me a judgmental bitch.
It is always my responsibility to reach out to others. I can never expect anyone to do anything for me. I absolutely must take care of myself.
I am a bad person, a bad friend a bad daughter if I have a negative thought about someone I care for.
I must ignore the pain.
I must never show that I am in pain or I will make people worry.
I must not worry people, they are worried enough. And that would make me selfish.
I am Weak magically. Or if I am strong magically, it takes the belief of others to make the magic perceptible to others, so since no one else can perceive what I have done, it must only be in my head.
I am arrogant. I am totally arrogant. And it makes me a bad person, So I hide it and I fight it. I try to disavow it. But it is who I am
What you Keep coming back to is who you really are. And this broken, joyless neurotic person I have become is who I really am.
It is not possible to become who I want to be. I am not allowed to shirk responsibility and be free. I have to work. I have to work even when I am sick, even when I am so depressed that I want to hurt myself. Otherwise I would be breaking my commitments.
I don't know how to have fun.
If I don't do exactly what others want me to, they will reject me, or judge me.
Love is conditional, or love is something too pure and high for me to ever feel purely.
I felt enlightened once. I felt nirvana once. It was grey and empty. and I let it fill my head. And I walked around filled with nothing but it's grey clouds for days. There was no Happy, and no sad. There was only acceptance...
Eventually, I decided that there was something wrong. I moved away, because what I felt was not peace. It was emptiness.
I thought there would at least be Peace.
I will never be enlightened in this life so why bother trying?
I will never be as happy as I was for those two months before Neelun used me to cheat on Leah, again.
Sometimes other people are not real. They don't feel real.
Sometimes I can't feel love for other people at all. Maybe I am blocking the experience.
Sometimes I cannot feel the love of others for me.
Sometimes I cannot tell what I am creating for my others and what is really real for them... and it confuses and scares me, because I don't want to control them. I want to love them... and I want them to be free. I just don't want them to go away...
Driving Scares the shit out of me! I have panic attacks during and after driving on the interstate.
I am not independent enough to have adventures. |
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